The headlines says it all and I love lists. So here we go.
1. Don't complain that "my bracket is busted" on the first day, especially during the morning round of games, unless all of your Final Four picks were eliminated. Everybody probably had the same favorite advancing deep. It's a long tournament. Don't be a douche.
2. Stop complaining about how hard it is to find Tru TV. It's pretty easy actually. It's on basic cable. You have an on-screen guide. Use it. Or google it. Don't complain the games are on Tru TV. Thanks to CBS/Turner, every second of every game can be watched in its entirety. It was not always like this. It wasn't that long ago you were at the mercy of some CBS suit deciding which games to watch, and when to cut to another game. Rejoice at the world we live in. Don't be a douche.
3. If you're going to hate Duke, that's fine. But don't complain that "Duke always wins." They've actually been upset in the first round two of the last three years. They've only been to the Final Four once in the last 10 years. It's still perfectly acceptable to hate Duke. But know your facts. Don't be a douche.
4. If you're at a bar or casino, and you see a group of fans seated together who are doing the same rituals they do at home games, don't make fun of them. It's March. It's their college. It's fun. Don't be a douche.
5. If you correctly predicted a double-digit seed for an upset in the first round, you're only allowed to brag about it if you made that pick on all your brackets. If you submitted four brackets, and had that 14 seed losing in three of the four, don't take credit for your genius pick. Don't be a douche.
6. If somebody watching near you is cheering feverishly for their Survivor pick of the day, don't root against them, unless that's your Survivor pick. That's not just a douchebag move. That's a dick move. Karma is a bitch. Cheer for your Survivor pick. Don't root against others. Don't be a douche.
7. If you do win your Survivor Pool, tip the commish. It's time consuming to send out all those emails, remind people of the rules, answer questions about the rules from people who can't read, keep everything organized, and chase down everybody to pay their entry fee. Tip the commish. Don't be a douche.
8. For gosh sakes, pay your entry fee. Now. Seriously, stop reading this and pay the commish. Don't be a douche.
9. If you're anywhere in Las Vegas, don't ever ask if the TV can be switched away from college basketball. If you want to watch the NBA, or anything non sports, watch it at home. Every television set inside every bar, every restaurant, every sports book, and every place where a humans stare at television screens should be tuned into the NCAA Tournament. Don't be a douche.
10. You're only allowed to yell, "BUFFALO WILD WINGS!!!" if somebody makes a shot at the buzzer to send the game into overtime. Don't overuse a funny expression. Exception to the rule: if you're at Buffalo Wild Wings and a Buffalo Wild Wings employee hears you and gives you free food or wings. Then be a douche all you want.
11. Don't ever talk about the NIT ... unless you're rooting for the college where you obtained your undergraduate degree. Don't be a douche.
11b. Don't ever talk about the CBA or CBI or BCI or whatever the hell that new third-tier tournament is called. Even if you earned your undergraduate, masters and doctorate degrees at a school that's playing, and you're kids go there, and you teach there, and your grandkids go there, you're still not allowed to talk about the CBI. Don't be a douche.
11c. If you even know the name of that other fourth-tier tournament, delete it from your brain immediately. Don't be a douche.
12. If you're standing in line at a sports book in Las Vegas, have your bets ready. Show some respect for people behind you. Time could be of the essence for a second-half wager or a game about to start. Don't be a douche.
13. If you picked all four No.1 seeds, that's fine. You have no imagination. You're probably going to lose. But you're playing the odds. Just don't brag about it. Fly under the radar. Make people dig to discover that you're the least original person on the planet. Don't be a douche.
14. When a game ends and your friend's alma mater loses, let them vent for at least 15 minutes. Don't say anything. Don't look at them funny if they throw something or drop 10 f-bombs in a minute. Don't try to cheer them up. Don't insist you leave that bar and go somewhere else. It's hard being a fan. If it was a major upset, give them a minimum 30 minutes to digest the season ending in such heartbreaking fashion. Don't be a douche.
15. If you don't know at least the starting five of your "favorite team," the above rule does not apply to you. Don't pretend like you're distraught and the world is coming to an end. Don't be a douche.
Follow these rules and the world will be a better place. Now enjoy March Madness.
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